tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24252069527670751572024-02-20T05:40:04.205-08:00On Remaining MisunderstoodDeaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-31749614725399709102014-01-06T06:05:00.001-08:002014-01-06T06:05:25.410-08:00On Remaining Misunderstood: Self-Help<a href="http://rogerthebassplayer.blogspot.com/2014/01/self-help.html">On Remaining Misunderstood: Self-Help</a>Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-14097801486635515322014-01-06T06:02:00.002-08:002014-01-06T11:34:55.326-08:00Self-HelpPersonal growth might not be a tumor on your spleen, but might occur as the new gaping wound in your inner life that you've just stumbled upon. Maybe you've had a recent personal crisis that brought your attention to it, and it might have brought you a brand-new revelation that for many years now you've been a person who, if you'd have known him outside your own self, would be someone you might keep at arms-length. <br />
<br />
This disturbing new way of thinking will certainly come with a packet of previously-ignored information about yourself that you weren't so vividly aware of. It might include information like: How your mother treated you, or how your father did not treat you as a child; how you spent your youth being bullied by peers; how you found ways to not stand up and walk out in the open- where you were fair game... ad nauseum... Perhaps your life and behavior were founded on a principle of avoidance and camouflage so subtly, maybe even brilliantly crafted, that you embraced this way of being and forged all your relationships around this premise... and so spent your life in a kind of self-deceit...<br />
<br />
Well that's the state-of-affairs part. The actual personal growth part has to do with what you do about it, especially if you are seeing all this new and soul-rocking scenario against what you thought your life was.<br />
<br />
And now doesn't it almost feel as if everyone you know and care for have all been waiting to see the best of you, rather than the excuse for yourself you seem to be? Too hard to take in all at once? It's a true saying that the people closest to you believe in you- but really it's you who needs your better aspect to be realized, after all, and not them so much. And yes, you have to deal with this right now or you can't move meaningfully forward in your life anymore- which is, of course, the reason it's reared its nasty head at you. <br />
<br />
You might learn what "Stockholm Syndrome" means, or what "Borderline Personality Disorder" is. You will most likely come to see yourself with renewed eyes, and whatever you call the process or the obstacles you have to overcome, it will be a great thing.<br />
<br />
Now that you've come to it, well I don't have any answers for you of course. I'm busy cutting a path for my own answers. Which answers might provide inspiration for some, maybe, but won't address your own, just-for-you plate of personal head-and-heart tripping. So go and get on with it, go and dig it up- it's your life. It's going to hurt, it may render you stunned like a deer in headlights at times and might even aggravate some of your already tried-and-tired relationships that are the result of this fray of yours in the first place. But it'll be worth it. Just keep walking. Seriously- there's nowhere else to go anyway.Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-67072621588868652992012-12-11T04:19:00.001-08:002012-12-11T04:25:12.005-08:00Swimming With Sharks<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Got screwed by dealing with Craigslist, but it was my own damn
fault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The details are now too tired for
me to reiterate another time, but suffice to say that although I knew it was
indeed my own (un-) doing for dealing with inscrutable miscreant/angling con-job
types who populate that venerable soup-line of internet trading posts, still
you gotta recognize that dishonesty in the face of good faith (mine) sucks
worse than a three-hour bus ride with your best friend's mother-in-law.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Anyway I now have a noisy bass preamp to replace the beautiful, albeit
too-hi-fi Eden WT-405 amplifier I used to own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Didn't love the Eden at all really, but it was better than the odd, and
loud, hum and hiss in this poorly laid-out Ampeg SVP-Pro I do now own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The newer edition of the SVP-Pro, that I
don't have, is great- and really this one actually DOES SOUND really good,
aside from the noise...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will bring it
to B-Sharp Music in Providence to see if Dave can do anything for it, but we've
spoken and he's doubtful... I have to try everything though, since the stupid
thing's here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, wait- it's just a box
with a bunch of circuits in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm the
one who went through with a bad deal to get it...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Craigslist can be a great thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you find what you need for the right price, sell something because
you need the cash, or run into a great deal or opportunity then it's a good
resource.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact I recently got a nice
little gig off Craigslist, building a set of 'end-caps' for a retail
display.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Might generate some more work,
which'd be fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also found a
Portuguese festival band to audition for, which I've been with now for about 3
years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Okay, winners.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this was a profoundly gone-south, bad
episode.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's left me sour and
morose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because it was, again, my own
fault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God I hate that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Okay so briefly, here's what went down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I posted an ad to sell the Eden.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Got an answer, a proposal to trade it for my
recent desire, an Ampeg SVP-Pro that the guy had laying around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have wanted an SVT all-tube bass amp for
years to replace the one I traded off to Ric's Music in Seekonk back in '95, so
it sounded like a way to get there without the needed $1,000 or so, which I
ain't presently having.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So having read
all about this special-est of all bass preamps here and there, I decided I'd do
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The guy ended up implying to me that
if he were coming to my place he was going to want to know it would be a
deal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had sort of a hard-luck story,
so I went with it, figuring I had worn such shoes before...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I plugged it in when he got here, and it
seemed ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I held to my word and we did
the deal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Eden he went away with, I
knew, was flawless... he left, "happy" in his more or less
downtrodden state.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Over the next month or so I found it very noisy after all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life is full of non-music things with school
issues, family-man duties, work, kids, cats, house, etc... and now a couple months
later I find time and the confidence to write the guy an email and voice my
complaint.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was met with "It's
been too long, and can't do anything about it now".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But here's the thing:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The preamp has a noise issue, and he knew it
did when he offered it, and when he gave me his hard-luck story to get my
sympathy (brings a song to mind).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well I
can't make him deal with me without going postal... and getting wrathful and vengeful
about it is not only distateful and unseemly, he also knows where I
live.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm not living the "carefree" life of a bachelor...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>so it's either be amicable about making it right, or it's a closed
issue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It isn't going to be amicably
resolved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I lose, and have to cut it
free and let it go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God I hate
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But ok, I'm letting it go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Sometimes I think that in 51 years I've learned damn little.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I've learned a little more today,
because I hate it when I do this kind of thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At least I have my vintage, way-pre-Fender and good-sounding SWR heads,
an SM-400 and an SM-400s, the latter of which is now having a loud, annoying
'Pop'.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of us had a loud annoying
pop when we were kids, but this one's at the amplifier's input.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So when I go get the SM-400 out of the shop
tomorrow I can drop off the SM-400s, along with the Ampeg preamp.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe we can get a noise-ectomy for it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Yay, gear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"></span></div>
Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-24846876783847911622012-11-19T19:59:00.001-08:002012-11-19T20:18:09.484-08:00Lobo<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">I'm sitting next to Lobo, listening to the strains of Serenada
Espagnole played by my younger daughter and her violin teacher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My kid goes to her house after school once a
week, has been for about 6 years now, to not only sharpen, but truly realize a
meaningful aspect of her musical talent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Both my kids are nearly prodigious musicians with a natural feel for
their respective instrument.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They've got
highly sensitive and focused ears that I wish I had, and they both sing in a
traditional Anglican choir.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have, in
recent years, come to understand just how much of a poor hack and a charlatan I
really am in light of the prowess of my progeny, who seem to have a pretty good
chance of doing something reasonable with what they've got.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keeping them at it is the thing, but when I
find myself "chasing rabbits" with them when it's practice time, I
remember all the famous Grammy-winners I've ever heard thanking their moms and
dads for all those years of constant prodding, and then I can muster up the energy
to give them a good nagging.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Mrs. Freese is 85 or so, and used to play her violin on Broadway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her dad made her play hours a day, often not
letting her leave her room until he was satisfied with what he heard coming
through the door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her intonation has
bent a few degrees south since those days of show-stoppers and ovations, and
marriage to a man who wouldn't let her leave his sight has had to have some
kind of adverse effect on her inspiration factor... but she's a good teacher,
never leaning harder than what she perceives her student is willing to deal
with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She's got a good sense of where
her students are at, and if the kid wants to play, they'll do it, she
figures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Lobo is laying next to me on the old divan as I type, dozing fitfully
while screeling glissandos sail and arc from a high D through the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He's a Pomeranian, small as a toy football
and might be old enough to remember that day someone brought Fire back to
camp.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He almost got put down last week,
but seems to have come back, as it were; he took a fall halfway down the staircase a few days ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He's got a bum-leg, gets constipated a lot,
and is currently severely dehydrated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The whole house pretty much reeks of Lobo's presence- and incontinence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But he's a good old fella, and it's certain that love suffers all things- especially little things, like not making it to the litter box. I have a
feeling we're going to be missing him pretty soon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">..</span></span><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> and new carpets and some minor re-hab are going to be small consolation. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These animals we keep- the whole
pedigree/breeding thing is so weird, and definitely un-natural, but somehow
there seems to be an agreeable nature to the relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dogs generally accept their position as Man's
Sidekick; even to the point of what appears to be the cheerful wearing of
sweaters, hats, and other unlikely/human-like apparel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They even- some of the more intensely bred
varieties especially- seem to take on a sort of low-level humanity, even mimicking
the personalities and nuance of their charges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Dogs have an uncanny (pardon the suggestion of a pun) way of getting
along with people, almost as if it's their commonly understood secret
occupation to keep us company, help us out when the chips are their down-est,
look out for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even when, like Lobo
here, we have to take care of them to the point of being a full-time
nurse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I suppose they're giving us
someone to bestow love upon, to keep us in some kind of good grace and keep us
out of trouble.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Funny how I'm so ready
and willing to believe there's some high-calling, some kind of mission these
animals we've modified into our own likeness must be on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just came here for the violin lesson, and
now I'm writing science fiction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Hmm...</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"></span></div>
Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-87500184312410511412012-11-14T20:41:00.001-08:002012-11-14T20:55:38.858-08:00Red Room<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">So it's been a while since my last entry... I'm sitting in our 'Purple
Room' here at home, waiting for an answer to my morning phone call inquiring
into the day's activities, and musing over the events of late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two days ago we created "The Music
Room", and did a little home arranging, trading 'purposing' between spaces (I hate the new lingo, the making of verbs out of nouns, seemingly at the whim of the moment).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's much nicer to be in the house now, and
there's the beginning of an environment that is actually civil in nature and
comfortable to be in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's been 14
years, it's about time I guess- now that the kiddies are old enough to
appreciate it and learn to take care of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As am I, finally...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">I was also able to- and really it was by necessity, as one thing is
tied inexorably to another around here- get into arranging the band room in the
basement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Got some clutter like stray
cables and junk "music gear" squared away, built a small shelf for the
PA and recording jig out of some scrap MDF from a side-gig, the small
refrigerator (for beer, etc.) holding up an end of the shelf.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's tidy, in a junkyard office-trailer sort of way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it was just in time for rehearsal last
night, how convenient.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"The
Same" are beginning to get our feet under us, just a little bit... as long
as I'm on the subject...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> a</span>nd I do mean
it when I say "a little bit"!... but it's happening and that's
encouraging.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We're even doing a Cheap
Trick tune, "Downed", from the <i>In Color</i> album.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don't sound like Cheap Trick though... we don't
sound like Husker-Du either, or The Dead Boys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We sound like The Same... which is, so far, on the good side of
lackluster- but, there's a voice trying to emerge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know, in fact I'm cheating us with all this disparaging talk- we really are sounding
alright.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We sound 'like something'... pretty good,
even. To really be fair, this <i>Bad News Bears of basement rock bands</i> might just go
play a few shows and generate some kind of notoriety pretty soon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That's <u>notoriety</u>, not to be confused with <u>fame</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And a little notoriety might even be favorable...
especially if we're good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More on
that...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Anyway we've got all the acoustic instruments, and the piano, moved
into one space, what was until now referred to as 'TheRed Room'.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>'The Grey Room', where the piano used to be, is adjoined to the kitchen, and that
was a bit of a schized-out and uncomfortable situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was incongruous; the Feng-Shui was all wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now the Grey Room is for sitting, next to the busy-but-homey kitchen, and
that relationship works.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you
have company, see, you're not flustered or harangued, and you can make tea or cook
an orderly dinner in the homey kitchen while taking part in a reasonable conversation that's going on in the
sitting room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">The Red/Music Room now has its proper place removed one more environment away from the kitchen area, and its personality
is finally established.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's comfortable in its new
purpose, and the '74 Polytone 212-300 bass combo amp snugged into a little recess by the entrance to the room really finishes the vibe off nicely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's a strangely period-appropriate 2x12 combo amp
that'll be perfect for my elder kid's piezo-pickup-equipped<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>string harp, on the occasion it needs to be
amplified for those loud, semi-drunken bluegrass jams our local bluegrass-festival-mongering friends will make us have now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We still need to put away
some bins loaded with pictures and kids' artwork that are taking up some precious floor-space, and hang the more novel
framed items on walls, but what's ever finished in your house anyway? We're not of retirement age yet, and spend too much time on our feet to really need everything all settled anyway. But home is a good place, when you make it home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Takes a lot of work to make that happen, and
it might even require a serious wake-up call- as one can get used to an environment compromised by seemingly endless vibrant activity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when you
finally do it, it's worthy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like being
home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Now, where are my red shoes...</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"></span></div>
Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-82820760699733939062012-10-30T13:27:00.001-07:002012-10-30T13:28:47.325-07:00Hurricane Day<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Monday, October 29, 2012</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">Hurricane Sandy is loping along her wanton path somewhere</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">several hundred miles south and slightly west of us here in RI.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Word is she's supposed to be turning west
into New York and New Jersey by now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It's about 4:45, and her intensity in our little neighborhood has only
'moved up a notch' since I was up on the ladder at 7 a.m. screwing 3/8"
plywood over all the fragile old window sash on the front of the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I might even say I'm just a mite bit
disappointed in the low-level performance of this "Monster Hurricane"
we've been hearing about for the last 2 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I haven't really been checking in on weather a few hours now, as
it's been sort of a quiet and uneventful time here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We've all whiled away the day sort of hanging
out, each of us with our own rendition of "doing nothing".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Been kind of nice actually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">I watched the first episode of "Battlestar Galactica" on
Netflix, after having spent a couple weeks being brought up to speed on the
otherwise, to me, incomprehensible story by the entire season of its pilot
prequel,"Caprica", which provides a reasonably entertaining
back-story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The original version of
"Battlestar" was in fact produced in the 80s, and it's recieved a
good deal better production this time around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The story has also been made a fuller experience with inclusion of the
afore-mentioned prequel, and is all together pretty engaging and not so campy
at all- the only potential exception being in the ultra-hot, ambitiously blonde
Cylon nymph who inhabits the mind of the traitorous human scientist (but I'll
concede it's actually an intruiging nudge at what we in our pop-society call
"mental illness")... funny I don't remember her character's name...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">My wife has been entertaining the piano to facilitate learning her
music for choir practice, between visits sitting outside the kitchen door to
commune with Sandy's periphery and cooking various food items for us all to
browse through the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My kids are
upstairs playing "Animal Jam" on-line and being checked in on from
time to time by their annoying parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My elder kid and I took a walk out to the pond earlier today to watch
the wind-spirits fly across the surface of the water, look for still-living
palm-sized snails, and lean back into the wet gusts of wind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">So far we haven't had need of any emergency measures or hunker-down
sessions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's just been a quiet, sort
of pleasantly listless day of rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm
almost bored... and quite content with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ah, and now I think I'll go see if<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I can dig up that bottle of Moxie I bought yesterday, which seems to
have disappeared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Might be my kids have
taken after their old dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen;">And with that I'll sign off, leaving you with the word my friend and
band-mate Larry said to me over email early this morning, "Stay dry and
vertical".</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"></span></div>
Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-87728192808676700722012-10-25T22:12:00.001-07:002012-10-25T22:12:44.911-07:00On Remaining Misunderstood: Moxie<a href="http://rogerthebassplayer.blogspot.com/2012/10/moxie.html#links">"On Remaining Misunderstood: Moxie", or, "Musings on the Psychotropic Nature of Obscure Summer Drinks"</a>Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-17063719449043446402012-10-25T21:57:00.001-07:002012-10-26T08:19:02.320-07:00Moxie<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I did a shopping run
this afternoon, and soda was on the list.
My daughters had a middle school dance to go to and needed to bring soda
and chips. In the soda and chips aisle of
our local Stop & Shop I ran across a plastic bottle of
"Moxie", something I hadn't
had in, gawd... years... and so I stuck one in the cart. Not since I was a young kid living at my
grandparents' house in Westerly, RI, had I tipped that venerable
unlikely-tasting brew over my hapless, resigned taste buds (with all the grim
relish of a pre-pubescent would-be Dr. Jekyll).
All these years have gone by since those hazy memories settled into
their place in my psyche; how have I just walked by it so many times all these
years? </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I got home from the
supermarket, my eldest helped me get the loot out of the trunk and we got it
all put away. About an hour or so later
the girls and their mother went off to choir rehearsal, and I found I had a quiet
moment on my hands for a little Moxie-induced reverie. I pulled my favorite glass out of the
cupboard and poured a sample of the ancient elixir... there was the familiar
smell, that fizzy, funky taste ... and in an instant I was transported back to
my grandmother's kitchen. There I was, 6
years old sitting on the red Cosco (tm) step-stool in the corner of the over-sized kitchen under the big wall-cabinet, my glass
of Moxie sitting there next to me on the old granite counter-top. The fulness of my youth-through-early-teens
period came flooding back into my awareness.
It was a pretty interesting moment, like seeing your past in a movie
that you could stand in the midst of. I
was re-living my childhood.</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c179/Sloom/catta2.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="158" src="http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c179/Sloom/catta2.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c179/Sloom/Moxie.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I was suspended in
that bridge of atmospheres between the "then" and the
"now", and my attention was quite fully arrested by what I was
experiencing. "This is how it was
when you were 6"... if a voice-over could have been present, that's what
it would have said. It was a sudden, but
not unpleasant change of awareness. I
was being transported to the life of what seemed a whole other person, but was
not disoriented. It was me, you see, and
it's really something to be able to truly know a moment in time, 40+ years back
in the recesses of the long, twisted path that was your life, as if it were
happening <b><i>right now</i></b>. But
it is, after all, where you come from, what was formative to who you are
now. You have to reckon it, to recognize
yourself, and take account for it. </span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">It was really, really
cool.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">My cousin once said
that Moxie tastes like "carbonated asphalt". It still tastes the same. </span></span></div>
Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-56385300524783111062012-10-25T09:46:00.000-07:002012-10-26T05:37:03.870-07:00Ride<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">It just
happened. I've been waiting for months
for this day, and it's come with its typical stealth, like a cherry bomb in a
mailbox. I'm sitting in the Smithfield
Home Depot parking lot, having just got a ‘jump’ for my suddenly disabled Mercury Villager from a pair of </span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">friendly </span>older
cats in a white work van. We got my heap
started up, they drove off satisfied with a good deed done, and I limped 200
yards further down the 2-acre parking lot to where my much-abused mini-van
settled to rest <span style="font-size: small;">with</span> a quiet, sputtering cough. Silent,<span style="font-size: small;"> we sat<span style="font-size: small;">, as I considered my predicament<span style="font-size: small;"> concerning<span style="font-size: small;"> the days' work.</span></span></span></span></span> <span style="font-size: small;">Work is everything right<span style="font-size: small;"> now, naturally<span style="font-size: small;">,</span> and the fact that I have some work is why this sucks... </span>so, finally r</span>esigned<span style="font-size: small;"> to the efficiency of my <span style="font-size: small;">cel<span style="font-size: small;">lular network, </span></span></span>I ma<span style="font-size: small;">de</span> the call to Chuck and Sons' towing, presumably to escort my Old Faithful to her
Final Destination... s<span style="font-size: small;">uch is</span> the state of mind I <span style="font-size: small;">had incurred by this time.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I'm not prepared,
particularly, for this, even though I am well aware that the poor crumpled thing
has over 307,000 miles on her. Pretty
good for a ’92 “<i>used-to-be-a-soccer-taxi”
</i>Mercury Villager- but I must focus some credit on where it’s due: It's the Nissan Engine, still running like a
top, which has outlived her poor old adopted chassis and 'peripheral' systems, <span style="font-size: small;">wh<span style="font-size: small;">ich</span></span> gets the color-guard and 21-gun salute.
Here's to you, old friend, thanks for the ride!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I have been living
this way since I can remember, driving ‘whatever’ to its bitter end, and ‘getting
out and walking’, as it were, until I find a new, old piece of technological
discard to climb into for another 100,000 miles or so. I just have never really cared that much
about what I drive, as long as it gets me there, unharmed, with my stuff. That whole “American Love Affair with the
Automobile” is just a largely alien paradigm to me- I’ve never been able to get my proverbial Velcro Hooks
into it and raise my glass. It's an essential ethic to me, really, to simply
drive a ‘necessary vehicle’ and stay out of <i>at least some debt</i> because of it. It may be unglamorous, but it's paid for, you see. <span style="font-size: small;">This brand of thinking i</span>s also the<span style="font-size: small;"> result of doing the kind of work for my livelihood that dictates having<span style="font-size: small;"> a vehicle that doesn't need to be washed an<span style="font-size: small;">d waxed, can carry ungainly objects and large power tools, and will still look "like it's supposed to" after a few scratches and dings have become part of the prese<span style="font-size: small;">ntation. </span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span></span>Okay, so it’s also a money
issue- I spend way too much time being broke!
Ah, and speaking of “broke”, here comes the tow truck now...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Later that morning...</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I got the tow and
left the van at the garage. It appears
to be an ‘alternator issue’ which is easy and cheap enough to fix. Tha<span style="font-size: small;">t's</span> assuming the van isn't going to take the pipe the day
after I pay for the repair<span style="font-size: small;">- but</span> I’ll have to
take my chances at this point. Most wise
of options would be to have a new (old…) vehicle on-deck, since the advent of
such a development is pending anyway. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The <span style="font-size: small;">n</span>ext da<span style="font-size: small;">y...</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">I'm still here. I hope it gets repaired today- that it even CAN be repaired- or I'll be <span style="font-size: small;">s<span style="font-size: small;">hopping the used car lots, getting my ears bent sorely out of shape<span style="font-size: small;"> b<span style="font-size: small;">y badly<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>angling salesmen,</span></span> and reciting bad jokes. Or </span></span></span></span>writing my blog from the Pine Street Inn... Either way it'<span style="font-size: small;">s <span style="font-size: small;">going to be a long day.</span></span></span></div>
Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-80029935635073818922012-10-10T05:26:00.001-07:002012-10-10T15:32:49.553-07:00Growing UpLet's see... since I last participated in my own blog here we've put railings on the two staircases up to the front and back doors of the house, gone through a flea infestation, the wife has left a nice little post as organist/accompanist at a local church (there's a story, but no matter- she liked her post there...), and my eldest has become tank-mother to a fine, small community of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches. Nice. Life is pretty good, even if I am still crawling around through dirty old houses for a living.<br />
<br />
My kids are older, and it's a bit like being put 'on notice' that they are suddenly able to take charge of those little parts of their lives that you used to be needed to help with. They're taller, more person-looking. They say things that you don't have to lean over, metaphorically-speaking, to process. You still have to pay for everything though, and there's a major crossroads that delineates between childhood and adult-hood, in a very material way. Whatever their relationship to you, whatever the content of the intellectual, emotional or spiritual relationships that you experience with them, that right there is the 'line in the street' that makes some real decisions for you. I'm not there yet, but I can see it like an intersection in the road 300 yards ahead... it's an interesting time.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I wonder what they'll say about me when they're living their own lives, and I'm gone... Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-63428837554834107932011-09-19T05:18:00.000-07:002011-09-19T05:18:11.473-07:00Aarduous TäskMy friend Manny made up the name Aarduous Täsk when we worked at Paddy's Restaurant in Misquamicut one summer. The restaurant business brought out the need for a well-conceived and smartly-expressed sense of humor to offset the regular battery of in-your-face confrontations that would occur at any point in the day, busy and hectic or slow and labored. The ability to laugh in the face of offense became as important a skill as knowing where the lemon-wedges were in the walk-in cooler during lunch-time. Your ability to pay the rent was in direct relationship with your ability to maintain a aggressively healthy attitude.<br />
<br />
Attitude is important. Other names for it are "heart", "backbone", "spirit", "gumption". It's not muscle or speed that wins at the Olympics, though without those you'll never even get there- at the end of the trial it's attitude that brings you to the Gold Medal. What a waste to get there and lose, because you had no attitude in place.<br />
<br />
The deal with attitude is that you don't get any, unless you get yourself into that special position of being sold-out to what you're doing. It's another example of "taking the plunge", as it were: You have to walk into it and get up to your chest- you have to be where you can't get out any more without going all the way through. This kind of decision-making immediately changes things in your life and perspective, and now the only thing that's very sharply focused in your field of vision is THE GOAL... it's such that a kind of desperation sets in, the kind of desperation that creates that sharp focus. A low level of adrenalin becomes present in your system, and the prospect of trying to escape the present situation threatens to invite panic, and then loss... but the prospect of completion, of attainment- that becomes a shining beacon before you. Properly reconciled, all that is good, bright and hopeful awaits at the end of your now full-on, all-consuming commitment. You don't get attitude without getting some dirt on your face, a little (or a lot of) grime under your fingernails. You're going to have to clean up when you're all done- but it's a mark of successful rite-of-passage to where you need to be in your life.<br />
<br />
Get some attitude. It doesn't mean you have to become unfriendly, or unkind, or boorish to your friends, it just means learning that the real muscle comes from within. Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-31669683274691265052011-04-22T06:27:00.000-07:002011-04-24T20:50:30.766-07:00"Faith"...People believe what they feel makes them belong in their skin. Belief is personal.<br />
<br />
Religion is the practice of applying/imposing one's own belief to/upon the lives of others. Religion is social.<br />
<br />
Belief is non-threatening, non-engaging socially. It's one's own coping mechanism, and operates quietly within the most intimate confines of one's inner life.<br />
<br />
Religion is culture, and is woven into and through a society. Religion brings tension close behind, like a dutiful sister-in-tow: It seeks conflict by its very nature, and speaks of its own interest. And conflict always comes. Sides are formed over lines in the proverbial sand...<br />
<br />
Ozzy Osbourne, in his song "Rock N' Roll", sings, "<i>Rock n' Roll is my religion and my law</i>". This bold, jagged line flies in the face of our organized, denominational, sectarian monotheistic society with its forward sentiment and matter-of-fact, challenging delivery. <u>Rock n' roll is and always has been about rebellion, and the throwing off of artificial mores and behaviors of the prevailing popular culture</u>. This is especially true as relates to the ordering of such social straitening established by the religious authorities-at-large with threats of eternal separation from God, in their constant and vigorous attempts to homogenize society and discourage the cultivation of personal identity, free thought, social interaction and innovation. People are easier to herd about, after all, when they are made to behave like a "flock" of simple creatures with a common idea. In "Rock N' Roll" Mr. Osbourne declares his conflict with, and throws a stone in the path of what he sees as an oppressive prevailing popular culture, by means of his own diametrically-opposed, perhaps desperation-driven counter-culture. Leave it to the Brits to put a humorous spin on the bitter pill of torment-borne cynicism.<br />
<br />
Religion is social...Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-79637063823091854752011-04-09T06:56:00.000-07:002011-04-09T18:20:05.560-07:00SpringtimeI always refer to the coming of springtime as the "onset" of spring, as opposed to the "advent". This is because it tends to be a long, slow, anti-climactic curve into warm weather, replete with all the environmental disruptions that naturally accompany such long, slow changes in the natural world.<br />
<br />
The prevailing temperature segues from really really freezing to "temperate"- 50s or so into April, bringing warmer air temperatures, rain, and bouts of gray, lowering, cool <u>dampness</u>... the kind of air-borne "wet" that cuts through your clothing and sucks away your naturally generated body heat, making the +/- 50-degree air temperature feel more like high 30s, unless the sun happens to be out that day. In the early morning the prevailing temperature may be as low as high 20s or low-30s. All-in-all, springtime brings with it not only the promise of sunny, warm days to come, but also the kind of weather we New Englanders call <i>Raw</i>. One endures the <i>onset</i> of spring. <br />
<br />
The piles of "snirt" (snow/dirt) that lie along your habitrails and tower over <b>Target</b> and <b>Home Depot</b> parking lots remain for weeks, piled up by the town or city snow-plows in front of your house and down the road, lining and straitening the way to school and work. If, like us, you only have street parking, then over the tormentive weeks of spring-time change from winter to warmth you get to experience the <u>slow-but-pretty-sure</u> "joy" of inching closer to where the sidewalk actually exists in front of your abode, allowing you to periodically nudge your vehicle a little further off the middle of the street and toward the sidewalk. You eventually find yourself experiencing the particular, pleasurable relief that can only come from the soles of your shoes actually <i>making contact with the surface of the steps</i> that lead to your front door, newly (perhaps only mostly) unencumbered from the cold months of built-up frozen slush... now as likely to be un-frozen, puddly, grimy slush you take new pains to not track into your living room. Still, it's nice to be able to see the ground.<br />
<br />
So, yes. Spring. Ah, the pleasure, the new lightness of being, the awakening to new life and a brand-new start for all... Meanwhile I'm still wearing my long underwear and not leaving the house without a hat. We'll talk to you in another four weeks.Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-89669026911177919052011-03-21T06:33:00.000-07:002011-03-21T18:09:37.776-07:00SickToday I have a chest infection. It's Monday and I'm home with my kid who's got the day off school... she's sleeping, the wife is off to her twice-a-week cna job, the younger's at school. I've been working regularly, which is great. I've been sick for about 4 days now though, which sucks, and today it's come to a head. I'm making a doctor's appointment next, but I hate going to the doctor. No one likes it really, I guess...<br />
<br />
Going to the doctor means, among other things, getting looked at in a way that you don't look at yourself. There you sit, patiently, a mere subject under the steady, seeking gaze of impersonal examination by what may well be a complete stranger, looking over/into your physicality for something you know nothing about... It implies a knowledge about you that you yourself don't possess, and that can be unsettling: Remember in elementary school when a group of kids would be talking, several- or all- of them look over at you, turn again to themselves and some of them begin to laugh? Ever have that experience? Maybe it was all girls, maybe boys, it didn't matter. They KNEW something! It was ABOUT YOU, and it made you feel like there was probably something embarrassingly out of order, something "wrong" with you. Only years later did you discover there was nothing wrong with you at all... but now you're at the doctor's office, and maybe something really is...<br />
<br />
Going to the doctor means you're going to get prodded, poked, or otherwise personally imposed upon. Maybe even "violated". There's the possibility of an invasive episode: Your most-coveted personal space is set at odds with the anxiety of knowing that, at the doctor's office, you are vulnerable- and you can't defend yourself at the doctor's office. This is not your back yard, not your regular, well-traveled and established personal habitrail where you can exert influence that effects your environment in favorable ways... There is, for most of us, no regularly, well-beaten path to the doctor's office. It's a place that, when your health is in a state of compromise in some fashion, you have to "go to". The realization is often accompanied by a sigh, maybe a slight, imperceptible flinch... You're going to have to take your clothes off, or lay on your back, or put up with a strange hand touching you in that place where you're tickle-ish (and have to keep it together).<br />
<br />
And then there are the needles. My eldest hates needles... once three nurses had to hold her down to get her vaccination from a fourth. Boy was that a drag. She's a little better with it now, but I've worried about her. She's alright though- an amazingly resilient and surprisingly reasonable kid, my 12 year-old. <br />
<br />
Going to the doctor is something no one likes to do. I have to go today. But going to the doctor is one of those less-than-pleasant experiences that help us to appreciate the little things in life, things that offer little 'goodnesses' that we tend to forget about (<i>like not having to go to the doctor</i>). Like our favorite tv show we'll get to see while we're in bed afterward, perhaps convalescing from some minor sickness; the promise of ice-cream after that tonsillectomy; or perhaps the thought of re-stringing our favorite instrument with those new strings we haven't had time to throw on... Even something like the remembrance of our favorite poster hanging in our comfortably-familiar room brings peace and settling to an otherwise agitated, anxiety-fatigued mind.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, yeah, the doctor. Today. I am reminded that I actually avoided a follow-up appointment that should have happened about three months ago (as concerns a particular issue), and now I have to go for something else... I can hear it now, "...I never saw you for that follow-up..." I don't know what I'll say, I'll probably mutter something about 'being busy', and hope he'll let it go by. But I'll get to go home afterward, and I'll throw those Rotosound "Tru-Bass" strings on my Fender Jazz Bass...Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-26397136314470429352011-02-20T09:26:00.000-08:002011-03-03T20:35:57.799-08:00AlchoholI don't have a drinking problem, not really. I actually am not an alcoholic, don't drink to anything near excess, and don't spend a lot of time with those who do. But when I do drink, things happen, and mostly at home.<br />
<br />
We are a sensitive people: To environments, to people and their states and their intelligence. My wife and I both have also had a lifetime of difficult relationships, starting with childhood. They say you find your parents in later life as mate choices. You can work that into a pretty good case, and you can dismiss it with some good citations as well. But you can't deny where you've been, and it does seem to hold true in large part, that one seeks that which is like what one already knows in life. I mean, what- don't many of us keep having to re-take the same "test" many times over in the course of a lifetime? Don't the same scenarios, in different settings/contexts, appear in our lives? Often they are the ones that run deepest, that are the most woven into our psyche and therefore the most difficult, most complex to dig up. We avoid those, but they don't go away. They keep coming back.<br />
<br />
I have some issues in regards to,... I'll start with <u>volatility</u>. I was called "volatile" once by an ex band-mate after my summary dismissal from a band. <i>I in fact took part in the dismissal and the set-up for it in the first place by putting myself in a vulnerable position with them. A friend not in this particular group had cancer, and I wanted to do a benefit for him. I knew that, they finding him disagreeable for their own reasons, I would be in the ruts with them afterward. But the gig was a party for their friends and a bunch of good PR for their band, so it went down. It was successful, but my own sentence</i><i>, so to speak, had been written.</i> In a letter I received after my firing (quitting?), I was told I had, among a short list of alleged issues, a "volatile personality". Well, my wife agreed with that one... I flinched.<br />
<br />
But it's true and I know it. And I'm sometimes able to 'go off', in a low-level way, on something that might seem trivial or missing the more obvious point. But I have a perspective, and sometimes don't state the obvious, but speak according to where I am in my own track of thought. Whatever, I can generally explain myself when pressed, if I'm willing to. I can pretty well make myself understood. But when I have a beer or so in me, well, it can 'move up a notch' in intensity. Worse, it can even 'open a door' for something potentially hurtful to someone else, that I'm not even really taking part in. It's usually in the form of a stray spoken word that escapes from my lips and goes like a shot to the most vulnerable person in the room... My wife calls it "The Devil". I hate that.<br />
<br />
At any rate, analyze it and turn it around all you want, it doesn't matter. It's trouble however you call it, and if I want to keep the good thing I've got I'm going to have to deal. When I met my wife, I knew I was going to have to hold her up in ways. It's part of any partnership/commitment like this, and that person has <u>agreed to trust you</u>. And then if you bring in new people (make babies), they have no say in the matter at all- and you <b><i>really</i></b> have to hold them up, protect them, be trustworthy. Children mostly singularly define the word "vulnerable".<br />
<br />
So I'm quitting. Drinking I mean. Right now. I'm aware, as I write this, that I'm making quite a bold proclamation for a guy who plays gigs in a couple bands with other like miscreant-types, and spends time around large crowds at Portuguese Holy-Ghost Festivals... yep, it's going to be a commitment that will test my resolve (read: "character") and not step aside from before my eyes. And everyone who knows will be watching. But hey, nothing can come of not drinking alcohol that could possibly be meaningfully detrimental! In fact I'll be healthier, my prostate will have a better chance of a long and useful term, my skin might not get quite so dry in winter, and I won't spend any bread on beer. <br />
<br />
"Your wife told you can't drink??" Well no, actually that's not it. The (at least immediate) future of our household- of my kids, of my marriage, health and perceivable security of our home depends on whatever stability and good ground I can provide for. This is my chance to save the day, to break open a way to redeem years of screwing up. And it's for someone else's happiness too, really, which is very meaningful indeed. Especially for me... <br />
<br />
Besides, I play better when I'm not drunk.Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-59640925689014623362011-02-17T06:36:00.000-08:002011-02-17T06:58:46.099-08:00The ObviousI'm back to work. That is a great relief, and changes the entire look of the road before me. Of course it does! ...Stating the obvious has always been sort of a strong suit I guess. But it's not so much what we do, as how we do it, isn't it? Stating the obvious is ok if you have a novel angle to offer along with it. Then it becomes "insight", and thus new information... and that's the thing we're after in this endeavor of writing, I suppose: To "open it up", as it were, and get to the good stuff of life that's got hidden in those nooks and crannies so easily calloused-over with the wear and use of a day. We write to provoke and to encourage the seeking out of that now-blurred inspiration we once had, not so long ago, bringing it again clearly into view for the refreshing of the spirit and renewing of the outlook.<br />
<br />
We tend to go numb over time, you see, and forget the whats and hows that come of those *fleeting but bright* inspirational moments (we are a creative creature, after all). In fact we might even fail to recognize those tiny glimpses of the heavenly when we soldier on, doggedly, nose-to-the-grindstone without a break. We need to maintain- yea, I say to re-create our selves- on a regular basis. It's like checking the oil in your car: Your engine will eventually seize... <br />
<br />
In a similar way, my morning can become transformed from the drab nowhere-going routine it threatens to "bloom" into to a scape of almost-glimmering, hopeful possibilities, with a mere adjustment to my point of view. A little help can really make it happen: This morning I am refreshed with the glad and hopeful burden of having to get my narrow ass over to a house to replace some exterior doors. It's an odd-job I took on to hold my suffering morale upright until regular work could rear it's homely-but-happy head, and so I must do it its honor. Besides, it's for a friend and musical associate, and I have my future to think about... obviously.<br />
<br />
I hope things turn around for us all, for good, soon.Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-54835687372445317692011-02-15T05:44:00.000-08:002011-02-15T06:06:01.089-08:00Resolve, or Something SimilarI've rediscovered my Fostex Model 250 4-track cassette recorder. I got it a couple years ago for $50, with the manual. It all works! A bit finicky, but it's an old booger and sounds good, like me. : ) So I'm spending a few short evenings a week with it, dropping bits on it to turn into songs, or parts of songs. There's only so much you can do with 4 tracks of bass guitar, but it's a start. There are a couple other instruments around... but I have an ad in the venerable craigslist.org for a drummer, and will try and avoid the morass of tormentive "local talent" that is sure to surface, and circle, slowly...<br />
<br />
Gigs are slow so far, and I presume that it's because of the poor market at-large we're experiencing. I am beginning to wonder how some of my neighbors, let alone myself, are surviving... but we're a resilient creature, made of hopeful stuff- so we shall survive, one innovative way or another. Like the Fantastic Mr. Fox, we shall rise to the surface, even if it's from underground. Inspiration of the day.<br />
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My life is nonetheless full of negotiating- even every moment at home is a continually-morphing labyrinth of politics, desires, anxiety, etc... and in large part it's brought on by the constant reconciling with the iron demands of the outside world: A world that establishes its own order, having bolted-shut the side-doors and window exits to alternate paths for achievement, and personal success, on one's own terms. School, for example... "No Child Left Behind". Do we need to get into that? It would be more straightforward and honest to just divide us all by a standard, set up ghettos and potato farms, and get on with it.<br />
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There's never been a harder time to be creative- but because of that, there's probably never been a potentially more rewarding time, or more fertile ground to plow into. The deeper the peril, the higher the ground of success. I have to run with that. So we're off for the high ground. God bless us... this is gonna leave a mark.Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-45499638796576302872011-01-31T07:49:00.000-08:002011-02-04T10:38:24.782-08:00State of the LifeOn the good side...<br />
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I picked up my old Trace Elliot MK IV bass head the other day. I had to, because the shop will begin to charge me for keeping it after it's fixed, and because I don't want to become an albatross to them! But man, does that amp sound good! It's a 1984 or so model, and sounds way better to my ears than the 1990s SMX-series I also have. Go figure- the older one is made of better parts, was made when the company still had to be top-notch as a new entry into the market, and had fewer bells and whistles to offer- more attention was paid to basiscs. And the uv light works! See?...<br />
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I played it last night jamming with a drummer, and the thing sounds great. Only an SVT would make me happier- albeit it's an entirely different animal. So maybe not.<br />
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Anyway, that's one. Another is that my wife got a 'raise' at her church organist job. Nice. A small thing, but meaningful.<br />
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What else is new... well, I guess mention of 'the raise' will bring me to why that is so meaningful. And now the bad side... I'm out of work. And way behind in everything. That sucks.<br />
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I got a phone call this morning after not hearing the expected call over the weekend, and was informed there is nothing for the week. Not only because of the weather, but because the inside jobs have stalled as well. No bids have been returned, or called in about. I applied for a job last week as a maintenance man at an 'old folks' day care center, in anticipation of such a turn in the road. No response as of yet. I have a small odd-job or two to finish, and then I'm in Screwed-Land. So I'm off to apply for whatever I can find. I don't know what else to say or write about just now... I have no savvy angles, no clever turns-of-phrase, or insights to offer up. I'm flat as a floor-tile, dry as a stale biscuit. Almost downright bewildered...<br />
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Hopefully there'll be something to write about soon, after this wall of a predicament comes tumbling down before me, hopefully without crushing me under it. I'll be back, for one reason or another!Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-41186050438363689642011-01-23T05:14:00.000-08:002011-02-01T08:25:41.894-08:00Properly DressedI played a gig last night with that venerable country/rock/70s electric-hippie-pop-thing known as "The Millrats" here in Greenville, RI. There was some new music on the list, a decent crowd showed up, and everyone played well. We really weren't bad at all for a group that hardly ever rehearses; in fact we had some pretty stellar moments, and playing was fun. My old Bag End cabs I sold to the venue's proprietor last year were there on the stage, and my Mexican Fender Jazz Bass, strung with LaBella flats, sounded like the Definitive Voice of God through 'em, as always.<br />
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I wore my Target-bought Fedora with pinstripes, black leather vest and purple button-down shirt recently procured from the local Salvation Army, and my new round, tortoise-shell bi-focals from Zenni Optical ($40!). Clean carpenter's-jeans and my just-bought 'Caterpillar' work boots completed my look for the evening. Why go on about what I was wearing? Because today's entry is all about image.<br />
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I spent much of my earlier years in a cloud of personal oblivion. As an early-twenty-er I'd wear blue jeans with great gaping gashes in the knees and a pair of cheap black dress shoes. I would mix and match modes of dress to beyond the point of obvious confusion, making great awkward stretches between the incongruous. I often created fashion disasters of the like that you might, on a rare day, see reference to in the pages of People Magazine, Rolling Stone, or Yahoo!'s news page. I generally had little regard for what I walked around in, not only in the presence of my peers but before people whom I might otherwise have liked to be able to talk to. I was a walking alienation-stick, clobbering right between the eyes anyone I came within range of who had had the ability to see.<br />
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A good friend of mine, willing to go a short stretch of sidewalk in the open with me beside him, once tagged me as dressing "warehouse". I was making my way through life with an altogether strange idea of what I was, yet his comment was key in exposing to me that I had been purposefully manipulating the perception of other people's views of me. Maybe it was so no one would expect much from me, maybe I just felt like I wanted to be invisible. Maybe I was just being lazy! But here I was called out- and not the first time- and was becoming increasingly aware that I was going to have to fix this present-ability issue.<br />
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I simply wasn't getting away from the fact that I did have 'something to offer' after all- that those who knew me did in fact expect more, and they wanted it! I felt like I was being called back into the party after being caught trying to leave through the service entrance... But it was good to be wanted; even to be asked to 'pull it together' so that your friends could be in your company and experience the best of you... so your life could enrich and enhance theirs. <i>Something to offer</i>. This concept was so much better than the self-protection of isolation! Slowly, I turned... step by step... and pulled it together. Mostly!...<br />
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For me, playing music is always getting closer to being where I want to be, whatever the genre or form for the session/evening. It's the station in life I want to inhabit as a rule. It's still work, only more mobile than being a laborer or carpenter, more open socially and contextually. As a musician who experiences some humble level of success, I can "be" anything, not tied to the limiting rank of my tool-belt or overalls. It's almost, and just enough, really, freedom. Present-ability expedites my happy endeavor of pursuing that not-science that I love of "making the sound", especially in concert with other musicians, and in the audience of revelers and contemplatives alike to transcend the mundane. So I want to honor it, to be at my best.<br />
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I don't want to stand out, as it were- I hate that and can't abide "being seen" like some strutting peacock. I simply want to fit the glove I put on; because in truth, the glove does fit. So part of the deal now is that I pay attention to my perceivable, physical aspect, even if what I put on doesn't always qualify me as fashion-plate material. But it's orderly at least, and I'm beginning to get the hang of it.Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-6254215664236399332010-12-02T04:25:00.000-08:002010-12-02T04:29:09.789-08:00Suing the BastardsThe ACLU is in process of suing the RI public school system. We're with it- this place has failed us miserably as concerns our eldest daughter. In fact that failure has not only affected our household and the flow of life here, but is a widespread issue for families of all stripes, all over the state.<br />
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Our own situation is represented by several major episodes in our child's education career, hi-lit by a couple I'll reiterate here...<br />
In the 2nd grade she was "kept in for recess" to complete a "paper" on Christopher Columbus. This situation endured for an entire half of the school year. Her desk was found filled with rumpled sheets of written-on paper which had apparently not 'passed muster' for the presentation. The teacher explained these were attempts at "a paper she owed me", for which she'd been held during recess. Our kid was generally the only one in the room for that period- so she wasn't always the only one... This situation was discovered at a 1-on-1 parent/teacher meeting between wife and our child's teacher during a school open house. As she was leaving the meeting and was in the hallway, my wife overheard a piece of a conversation between said teacher and the school principal who had entered the room. There was shouting... it seems that holding a child from recess, for any reason, is against the law. And this went on for an entire semester...<br />
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At the local middle school our daughter was taken from a table of new friends she was in the midst of getting acquainted with during lunch-time. The guidance counselor approached her table, leaned toward her and said "Oh no, take your tray and follow me". Our daughter was led to a lone desk and chair at the front of the cafeteria before the other 200 children in attendance, and told to take a seat. She would be eating her lunch there instead of with her friends. Our daughter had done nothing to actually have lined herself up for this unusual psychological punishment... it was in fact done to enforce an after-school detention for tardiness, that we had asked to have a meeting about before it was implemented. She was not in fact "tardy"... and we had reason to believe that this was not an appropriate route to take for our daughter (or anyone's child for that matter). The "detention" was implemented, without our knowledge, during regular school hours- a violation of policy as written in the school's own Student Handbook. It was also a violation of good faith on the part of the school administration. Our daughter said later that during this strange and unexpected lunch room event, she looked up at a photograph of some fish on a reef underwater on the wall overhead. She said she felt like she was drowning... if you're hip to psychology you'll see that this represents the onset of anxiety. Later that evening, at home, Andrea experienced an anxiety episode at bed time. We got her through it, and then removed her from the school.<br />
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There is more, but that gives you the idea.<br />
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We had a meeting with the principal the next day, which we shortly came to see as fruitless and pulled her from school, partly on recommendation from our daughter's pediatrician. "Truancy Court" letters followed, of which we saved one- in case it were ever relevant... it now appears to be. But we have come to terms with what this is here: What we have available in the way of publicly-funded education is a system that does not serve the child. It serves other interests, but does so with the false premise of offering the service of providing enlightening education and preparation for entrance into society. Talk about your disappointing crocks of shit.<br />
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I have to give them kudos though, for tenacity- for walking on doggedly after a method for getting a thing done. But that's where it stops- unfortunately they're doing everything wrong! They have in fact done everything that it takes to destroy a child's zeal for learning. Their evidently purposefully blind and obdurate attitude, neglecting any consideration for the fact that these are fledgling people in a free society who need guidance, respect and freedom to think creatively, is in practice a bludgeon and a paralyzing agent to the sensitive processes of growth and awakening perception; for those who cow to the system they are surrounded by it's a crusher of self-confidence, and a strange hurdle to the development of personal or practical skills. For those who rebel against it, it presents other, more socially innovative possibilities as they find themselves assuming the posture of an outsider... if you can't win, play another game...you can "do your own math" on that one.<br />
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If these people are willing to put the parents in prison for the sake of the child's education, then perhaps they should rather be willing to foot the bill for an alternative education solution- one where the child will actually be educated... and have their parents too.<br />
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As for our daughter, she's been enrolled in a local private school and is now thriving happily. We would be interested in a little of that bill-footing action if it were to become available.Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-63700085814916918722010-11-12T04:15:00.000-08:002010-11-13T08:32:29.156-08:00BeliefMy 12 year-old got by it a year or so ago, finally coming to honest terms with herself about it; not only in her own mind, but as concerning the fact we told her a huge, heinous, spectacular lie. Now, sure, we think it's cute that little kids are so trusting, endowing us so easily with the care of their young unspoiled souls, hearts, and minds as well as their physical aspects. We love to see the wide-eyed wonder of their curiosity, their delight at having their fond desires met by a kindly grandfather who knows all, sees all, forgives and loves us. It's a figure of our own desire to be cared for. We relate to it, are captivated by it, wooed, and entertained... and we see it- and excuse it- as innocent. Of course they'll learn that it's a mere crock of shit. In fact, in an ideal Western World, <u>their first run at dealing with crocks of shit and the disappointment they inevitably represent</u> is the one called "Santa Claus".<br />
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It's <i>not</i> innocent to put kids through it though. Put yourself back in those vulnerable shoes, and remember what it was really like to grow up with divorced parents, to find out your father's heart was long gone from you, or to hear, by the grapevine, that your girl/boy/best friend had betrayed you. Santa Claus was your <u>first lie</u>, the first (and perhaps most brilliant) example of what this life would be delivering so much more of.<br />
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Our 10 year-old, in her almost aggressive leaning toward things bright and beautiful, hopeful and wholesome, is still holding tenaciously to the myth. I don't know if- or how much- doubt has set in, but I'm pretty sure she knows she's alone in her enthusiasm at this point, so long before that season of wondrous magic and joyful celebration... Last night she was in her room listening to Christmas music, making Christmas cards. She was cutting up magazines with the big scissors, crafting Christmas wishes and blessings for her long list of loved ones. I think she suspects...<br />
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And the part I don't look forward to isn't so much her view of me or her mother, but the fact she will end up feeling like a blame fool, and perhaps come to doubt the truth of anything that carries with it the power and promise of the impossible. I think the fact we've made so much good into such a lie is the worst thing we could have done- especially to one for whom hope and faith are such a mainstay. It was destructive, and boy am I sorry.<br />
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But she'll get over it. Her sister did.Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-44972328780644513142010-11-05T06:20:00.000-07:002011-02-04T10:39:59.790-08:00Gas Relief Syndrome......The opposite of "Gear Acquisition Syndrome"... <br />
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So you know that post earlier, where I said I wasn't going to sell my bass amplification gear? Well I sold most of it. Yes, I did, and I'm really alright with it. No rants!<br />
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The Bag End cabs and the GK 400RB head have their new home at The Mill, here in Greenville, RI. The Mill is a small music academy/instrument refinishing and rebuilding shop/music venue here. They have a nice live set up and can record shows or do 16 track sessions. They now have their own very slick little bass rig, and the GK 400RB is a back-up head to the resident Ashdown Evo-II 500 head. What a sound! They needed a nice bass rig- the cab that had been there was nice too- an SWR Big Bertha 2x15, but it was on loan and finally went the way of all things on loan... so now they're set. The local music scene is a little bit bettered for it, and I scored a little bread to help out with our scene here at home.<br />
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I have this now:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c179/Sloom/Amps%20and%20Gear/TraceCombo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c179/Sloom/Amps%20and%20Gear/TraceCombo.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
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This plus a small, home-made pedal board (plywood with carpet stapled to it) with some essential effect and utility pedals on it, powered by a DC Brick power supply is all I actually need to play, make a gig happen. I've picked up a nice little extension cab to go with this potent little box, and it's coming in a week or two. Sounds great, and I still have a backup head. I'll find an additional cab as I go, but for now this stuff will totally take care of needs. Portable, sounds punchy and present, and it's already been beat up, so now all I have to do is play it!<br />
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I have found, finally, that I really like the 80's-90's Trace Elliot stuff (models no longer produced), and it's all I have now. Fine. <br />
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Anyhow you gotta do what you gotta do. Meanwhile work is picking up, our relationship with kid's school is improving. Money is still sucky, and now we're going to have a bad time in the USA with all the new attitude in congress. Sorry, politics have to come in sometime- and the air is certainly thick with it. Even our drummer is at the polar opposite end of the room with me politically, but we're playing music, and I'm not ruining <i>that</i> for something <i>as superfluous as politics</i>. I like my new band, and hope it gets to play some music we want to play!<br />
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Speaking of, our guitar player brought me an Audio-Techinca AT RMX64 console/4-track cassette recorder, and I'm in the process of fixing it. Maybe that'll be a blog... more later.Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-33447365197627975452010-11-04T06:16:00.000-07:002010-11-04T07:29:57.108-07:00WorkI'm finding myself gravitating towards a direction of creativity and resourcefulness concerning work and my ability to make bread, brought on by the desperate feel of our present economic chapter. I've got a 'Linked-in' page, I'm on 'Facebook' publishing photos of stuff I've done with/to wood in the context of home carpentry, as well as more novel applications, and I'm chasing down folks who have bits of my work installed in their homes to ask if I can come over and snap photos of it. I hope it's all still standing- I do believe it is...<br />
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Today it's raining, and I'm sitting here plotting, editing photos, forming ideas and letters to send down the tube to prospective clients. I'm really hoping to ramp into some other form of employment (I almost said 'excrement'!...) beside/instead of carpentry. I have some pragmatic reasons for this as well as the more general, economy-derived concerns: I have a condition known as 'Peripheral Neuropathy' which means my nerves send signal slowly along their paths to and from my brain. Now I'm still quick on my feet, and reaction time, when I'm awake, is good. But my hands and feet go numb-ish sometimes, and I have other limb/nerve issues as well. I'm also very slight of build, and It's a drag to be dealing with cold weather in the context of manual labor. I'm a scrawny bastard, see, and I have virtually no insulating properties to my physical being- no bulk, per se. This means I get too cold when working outside in winter to be very effective for long; and "it's a drag" to go around being severely uncomfortable every day! I don't see the need of it, so I'm looking for a novel approach to work, and hoping to find something near a reasonably dependable heat source. Like South Florida, for example...<br />
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All that said, here's an example of a piece I built, off-the-cuff, for a fellow musician who's also a composer and performer of ancient music, Steven Jobe. It's the stand for this custom-built 10' long, three-person-operated hurdy-gurdy (I'm pretty sure it's a one-of-a-kind instrument):<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c179/Sloom/Roger%20the%20Carpenteer/BoschGurdyonStand.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c179/Sloom/Roger%20the%20Carpenteer/BoschGurdyonStand.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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The stand, made of 3/4"plywood and minimal 2x framing lumber, is in two pieces, the cradle on top set around the top edge of the lower rolling base. The instrument sits in its cradle, its resonant body effectively isolated from the cradle arms which are inclined at a 20-degree or so angle, facilitating manipulation of the melody-producing pull-handles by the performer. Two additional helpers operate the three cranks at the bridge-end of the instrument, which activate two drone strings, and an addtional drone string that travels through a rhythmic "Clatter Bridge"... very medieval...<br />
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The 'gurdy's inception and execution was based on a painting by Heironymous Bosch called "The Garden of Earthly Delights", taken from the right-hand panel of the triptych, entitled "Hell". Steve was composing some scores that involved the Bosch Hurdy-Gurdy as it was getting some final tuning-up from its builder after completion, and asked if I might be interested in building him something to hold it- so he could play it! If he was going to perform with it, well it was going to be hard to sit such a device in one's lap and reach the melody keys. Out came the wire-bound notebook, and a few days later there I was in the basement, sawdust and funny-looking jig-sawn plywood bits whirling about my head. We seem to have nailed it: The darn thing sounds very cool up in the air like that, and I'd say you'd be lucky to catch a performance from it. Steve's got the thing 'wired' and it's a fun way to make some music.<br />
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<i>*Next post I'll get the guy's name who built it! Seems something one ought to know, sorry. </i><br />
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Anyway, the above is an example of where I'd like to go next with carpentry. It's not fine furniture, I don't have those chops. But it's form-after-function, and if I can make something that becomes <i>invisible, but invaluable</i> in use, that's what I'd like to be able to offer.<br />
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Another day, another bright idea.<br />
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I'd also like to do some writing, which is another reason for my "worrying" this blog page. I don't know what it is exactly that I've got, but if I don't start forming up something then I'll never know! So I ramble, hopefully...Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-61471448399849978302010-11-03T05:58:00.000-07:002010-11-04T07:37:03.644-07:00Warning: Grievous Post... A Rant.Too much to say, too little time to say it in…<br />
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On the way to driving my kids to school this morning, late- it was a hard morning- I found myself annoyed with my fellow drivers to the point of near-anger. On the way home I repented, begrudgingly. I realized the reason I'm so angry with humanity at times (often) is because I'm a part of it, and all the stupidity I see in my "fellow man" is light fare compared with what I myself exemplify. I'm worse than my complaints about other people, and I find that discouraging to say the least...the crimes committed against my own self even bare witness...<br />
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...I allowed some misdirected people to take the wheel at a time in my younger years, to drive the leading edge of my life, so as to bring myself to utter shipwreck, leaving a trail of broken hearts and personal destruction to myself and to those who actually loved me. Since turning my back with deflated heart, for the benefit of that twisted situation, ( a long and arduous story) on true, neon-lit, pot-of-gold-at-the-end-of-the-rainbow opportunity for success in a field I still love as my first choice, I now live hand-to-mouth working low-end carpentry jobs to fight off the bank from the borders of my children's house and inheritance. I can't even attain the simplest of life's pleasures without holding my nose above water- not only financially but often emotionally as well. One gets tired of continually knowing they've allowed their hopes to be stolen from them- <u>even handed them over</u> to The Enemy. Especially when the rest of your life looks pretty reasonable! I’m working on retrieving the remnant of them, sure, but damn… when you’ve screwed the years you could have used as investment in that good gift you had (still might have), you know you are going to remain sort of screwed. It becomes a condition you learn to live with. This morning, however, is not going well.<br />
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Learning to live and survive, never mind <i>thrive</i>, has taken 49 years. All the musical talent that might live and be realized in this coil is largely unattended, and no you can't just play and record music and dismiss work and responsibility to other people unless you're Jimmy Page or his ilk, and that's reasonable. My wife and children have been redemption for all my stupidity, mistakes, sins, and embarrassments. I love them and would trade them for nothing... in fact in a better moment I don't care about the rest of this tripe I'm punching out right now, before I go, late, to work! But it does seem that so many people I know with a considerable musical gift have already had a day of it, had their decent time of making a life, and are either playing reunion shows, getting letters from their grandchildren, or forming new projects playing their 20-30- year personal favorite instruments. I'm playing a used bass I've had now for 3 months, since I can't manage to keep anything I really love... I can groove a circle around most of the local scene within a 50-mile radius given some regular playing time and a venue, but I have nothing to show for it. Yes that's a flip remark and liable to get me in hot water with somebody, but I'm feeling it. I'll repent later...<br />
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That's humanity for you.Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2425206952767075157.post-14378801214819396172010-10-25T06:42:00.000-07:002010-11-13T07:57:21.841-08:00Better HalfLet me tell you about my wife.<br />
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My wife is the hardest-working person I know, and I'm often after her to dig her heels in a minute and sit down, stop and rest a minute. But she's raised our two kids and they're now able to sit at a lunch counter with cross-country truckers or show up for tea with the Duchess of Windsor- without batting an eye or seeing a difference between the two. Her tireless focus and giant conscience from their beginnings of person-hood here on the earth have earned her the coveted "Mother of the Century" award.<br />
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She married me, whom when we met lived in a plain room with a pair of turtles, a girlie calendar, a bass and amp, and rode a bicycle to a restaurant job. I owned nothing, and on our first date picked her up in a car with no hood and took her to "Free Wings Night" at the Ocean Mist in Matunuck, RI. Honestly, I can't figure the girl out, but we had a laugh and a lot of the same thoughts on life. For me that's a rare bird indeed, and we stuck happily. Besides, she was a knockout.<br />
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Marriage for me, who had never been able to stick with anyone successfully for 3 months, was a revelation. The arrival of children brought me to the realization that the only way forward was to strap into the cockpit and hit the gas! I was in for an education, and those around me, who had chosen to love me, were in for it with me... It's taken 12 years and some significant sweat and tears (for other people, like my wife) to get this far, but I think we're out the other side. I owe her a life of leisure and rest at this point, but I can't give it to her. My children are the redemption of my life, given and brought to thrive by her. Okay, me too, but it would have turned out way different without her constant love and attention; and the experience of having pretty fully grown up, which I did not have.<br />
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She's an accomplished musician and artist, intellectually gifted to the point of making me a poor blockhead (not hard to do anyway, but...), funny as a fine-dining waiter with a streak of sarcasm serving in a biker bar, and a stunning example of earthy, yet unearthly, beauty. She has put up with my embarrassingly awkward social skills, brutally compromising expression of badly conceived opinions, skewed points of view and lack of general understanding for 14 years. Now that I'm maybe straightening up a few issues I sometimes worry that I've done irreparable damage to the poor girl, but she remains straight as a Georgia Pine, maintaining the wry innocence of a pretty young nun with a flask hidden under her habit, looking for when it's safe to 'praise the Lord'.<br />
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She's a cool kitty, and I owe her something better than the better part of my life. My occasional callousness and loose, cavalier attitude has at times potentially compromised her socially- without my meaning to do so- and I think it's time I made better effort to show off all the good, brilliant, wonderful thing that she is to my life. I won't get close, but I have to try. But if I'm being objective, and telling the truth, I really won't have to.Deaconhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10932835515551872416noreply@blogger.com0